1. We are always late we would have missed the flight.
2. Pretty girls on the plane would distract us!
3. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
4. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we’re there.
5. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
6. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
7. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
8. We can’t keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
9. We would have put our country’s flag on the windshield.
10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken by one of the hostages.
Sep 1, 2006
Think Positive!!
This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don’t always manage to do.
I am thankful…
1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.
2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.
3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.
8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.
9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbors because it means that I can hear.
11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am still alive.
I am thankful…
1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.
2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.
3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.
8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.
9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbors because it means that I can hear.
11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am still alive.
I DON’T KNOW THE DOCTOR WHO WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good !
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! … Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming. “WOO HOO, What a Ride”
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good !
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! … Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming. “WOO HOO, What a Ride”
NEW CEO
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you can’t solve,” he said.
Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The paper inside simply said, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” He did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The paper inside simply said, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” He did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”