Feb 27, 2007
Mother........................
1. When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you.
you thanked her by crying all the night.
2. When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk.
You thanked her by running away when she called.
3. When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love.
You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.
4. When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons.
You thanked her by coloring the dinning room table.
5. When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays.
You thanked her by looping into the nearest pile of mud.
6. When you were 6 years old, she walked you into school.
You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING".
7. When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.
You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbor window.
8. When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream.
You thanked her by dripping it all over you lap.
9. When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.
You thanked her by never even bothering to practice it.
10. When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day,from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another.
You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
11. When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies.
You thanked her by asking to sit in the different row.
12. When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows.
You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.
13. When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.
You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.
14. When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.
15. When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.
16. When you were 16, she taught you how to drove her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.
17. When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.
18. When you were 18, she cried at your school graduation.
You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.
19. When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus, carried your bags.
You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of you friends.
20. When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone.
You thanked her by saying "It's none of you business".
21. When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future.
You thanked her by saying "I don't want to be like you".
22. When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation.
You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.
23. When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment.
You thanked her by telling your friend it was ugly.
24. When you were 24, she met your fiancé and asked about your plans for the future.
You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther, please!"
25. When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told how deeply she loved you.
You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.
26. When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby.
You thanked by telling her, "Things are different now."
27. When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday.
You thanked her by saying you were "really busy right now."
28. When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her.
You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.
29. And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did, came crashing down like
thunder on your heart.
IF SHE' S STILL AROUND, NEVER FORGET TO LOVE HER MORE THAN EVER.
AND IF SHE' S NOT, REMEMBER HER UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Why wedding ring should put on the fourth finger??....
Why wedding ring should put on the fourth finger??
Pls follow the below step, really god make this a miracle (this is from a Chinese excerpt)
Firstly, show your palm, centre finger bend and put together back to back
Secondly, the rest 4 fingers tips to tips
Games begin, follow the below arrangement, 5 finger but only 1 pair can split.
Try to open your thumb, the thumb represent parents, it can be open because all human does go thru sick and dead. Which are our parents will leave us one day
Please close up your thumb, then open your second finger, the finger represent brothers and sisters, they do have their own family which is too they will leave us too
Now close up your second finger, open up your little finer, this represent your children. Sooner or later they too will leave us for they got they own living to live
Nevertheless, close up your little finer, try to open your fourth finger which we put our wedding ring; you will be surprise to find that it cannot be open at all. Because it represent husband and wife, this whole life you will be attach to each other
Real love will stick together ever and forever
Thumb represents parents
Second finger represent brothers & sisters
Centre finger represent own self
Fourth finger represent your partner
Last finger represent your children
Pls follow the below step, really god make this a miracle (this is from a Chinese excerpt)
Firstly, show your palm, centre finger bend and put together back to back
Secondly, the rest 4 fingers tips to tips
Games begin, follow the below arrangement, 5 finger but only 1 pair can split.
Try to open your thumb, the thumb represent parents, it can be open because all human does go thru sick and dead. Which are our parents will leave us one day
Please close up your thumb, then open your second finger, the finger represent brothers and sisters, they do have their own family which is too they will leave us too
Now close up your second finger, open up your little finer, this represent your children. Sooner or later they too will leave us for they got they own living to live
Nevertheless, close up your little finer, try to open your fourth finger which we put our wedding ring; you will be surprise to find that it cannot be open at all. Because it represent husband and wife, this whole life you will be attach to each other
Real love will stick together ever and forever
Thumb represents parents
Second finger represent brothers & sisters
Centre finger represent own self
Fourth finger represent your partner
Last finger represent your children
Feb 26, 2007
Attraction of Deception
A wife happily back home and breaks good news to her husband, "Remember those 'not tonight honey I have headache' I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the amazed husband inquires, "How is that, my darling wife?"
His wife replies, "I had mercy on you, so I took advise from Manisha and went to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone. Good for you."
The husband replies, "Well, we are back in game that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see my hypnotist and see if he can do something for that chill in you?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later in the bedroom and jumps on top of her and makes a passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife exclaims, "My love, that was delightful!"
The husband says again, "Let's continue, don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back for round two and by golly it was even more exciting than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom to see the hypnotic therapy, she sees him standing at the mirror naked and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
"No more headaches?" the amazed husband inquires, "How is that, my darling wife?"
His wife replies, "I had mercy on you, so I took advise from Manisha and went to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone. Good for you."
The husband replies, "Well, we are back in game that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see my hypnotist and see if he can do something for that chill in you?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later in the bedroom and jumps on top of her and makes a passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife exclaims, "My love, that was delightful!"
The husband says again, "Let's continue, don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back for round two and by golly it was even more exciting than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom to see the hypnotic therapy, she sees him standing at the mirror naked and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
BEAUTIFUL STORY OF DREAMS
Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want..........
Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday, I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems and be decorated with intricate carvings. Everyone would see my beauty."
The second tree said, "Someday, I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."
Finally, the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time, and people will always remember me."
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. One came to the first tree and said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter," and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree, one of the other woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The a second tree was happy, because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.
When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened, because it knew that, if it was cut down, its dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree, so I'll take this one," and he cut it down.
When the first tree arrived at the carpenter's, he was made into a feed box for animals, placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark.
The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth, and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.
Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose, and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said "Peace," and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.
Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets, and the crowd mocked the man who was carrying it. Finally, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.
The moral of this story is that, when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us.
We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.
Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday, I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems and be decorated with intricate carvings. Everyone would see my beauty."
The second tree said, "Someday, I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."
Finally, the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time, and people will always remember me."
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. One came to the first tree and said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter," and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree, one of the other woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The a second tree was happy, because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.
When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened, because it knew that, if it was cut down, its dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree, so I'll take this one," and he cut it down.
When the first tree arrived at the carpenter's, he was made into a feed box for animals, placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark.
The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth, and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.
Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose, and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said "Peace," and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.
Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets, and the crowd mocked the man who was carrying it. Finally, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.
The moral of this story is that, when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us.
We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.
Cover Your ......
An European, Australian and Asian guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and
jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the European and the
Australian quickly used their hands to cover their privates.But the Asian covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The European and the Australian asked the Asian why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The Asian replied, "I don't know about you, but where I come from, it's the face that people recognize
jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the European and the
Australian quickly used their hands to cover their privates.But the Asian covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The European and the Australian asked the Asian why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The Asian replied, "I don't know about you, but where I come from, it's the face that people recognize
Feb 25, 2007
Yeh hai Mumbai..........
Dear Terrorist,
Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful. Do you know how we pass our life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.
We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengaliies. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees. WE ARE MUMBAIKERS (Bombay-ites, if you like). We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)
Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back.
The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour.
We are Mumbaikers and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai is very strong and can not be harmed.
Please forward this to others. U never know, by chance it may come to hands of a terrorist in Afghanistan, Pakistan or Iraq and he can then read this message which is specially meant for him!!!
With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay)
Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful. Do you know how we pass our life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.
We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengaliies. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees. WE ARE MUMBAIKERS (Bombay-ites, if you like). We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)
Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back.
The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour.
We are Mumbaikers and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai is very strong and can not be harmed.
Please forward this to others. U never know, by chance it may come to hands of a terrorist in Afghanistan, Pakistan or Iraq and he can then read this message which is specially meant for him!!!
With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay)
Fire Rainbow
A rare Fire Rainbow seen recently on Idaho -Washington border in USA for about an hour.
Clouds are cirrus, some twenty thousand feet up in the air,
formed right amount of ice crystals and
the Sun hitting at exactly fifty eight degrees.
formed right amount of ice crystals and
the Sun hitting at exactly fifty eight degrees.
Enjoy the ride
We are traveling by train,
Life is but a stopping place,
We all have different journeys,
Different paths along the way.
For some the journey's quicker,
For some the journey's slow.
We all were meant to learn some things,
but never meant to stay...
"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.
And when the journey finally ends,
We'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace,
Together with the God...
Life is but a stopping place,
We all have different journeys,
Different paths along the way.
For some the journey's quicker,
For some the journey's slow.
We all were meant to learn some things,
but never meant to stay...
"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.
And when the journey finally ends,
We'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace,
Together with the God...
INSPIRATIONAL LEGENDS
He Rescues The Birds
Once, while riding through the country with some other lawyers, Abraham Lincoln was missed from the party, and was seen loitering near a thicket of wild plum trees where the men had
Stopped a short time before to water their horses.
" Where is Lincoln?" asked one of the lawyers.
" When I saw him last," answered another, " he had caught two young birds that the wind had blown out of their nest, and was hunting for the nest to put them back again."
As Lincoln joined them, the lawyers rallied him on his tender-heartedness, and he said: --
" I could not have slept unless I had restored those little birds to their mother."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Growing Older
When the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was well along in years, his hair was white but he
Was still a vigorous man. Someone asked him why this was so.
The poet pointed to an apple tree in bloom and said, " That tree is very old, but I never saw prettier blossoms on it that it now bears. That tree grows new wood each year. Like that apple tree, I try to grow a little new wood each year ."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be A Better Person
A Young student approached the famous French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, and declared, " If I had your brains, I would be a better person."
Pondering the depth of that statement, Pascal paused momentarily before replying, " Be a better person, and you will have my brains."
Once, while riding through the country with some other lawyers, Abraham Lincoln was missed from the party, and was seen loitering near a thicket of wild plum trees where the men had
Stopped a short time before to water their horses.
" Where is Lincoln?" asked one of the lawyers.
" When I saw him last," answered another, " he had caught two young birds that the wind had blown out of their nest, and was hunting for the nest to put them back again."
As Lincoln joined them, the lawyers rallied him on his tender-heartedness, and he said: --
" I could not have slept unless I had restored those little birds to their mother."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Growing Older
When the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was well along in years, his hair was white but he
Was still a vigorous man. Someone asked him why this was so.
The poet pointed to an apple tree in bloom and said, " That tree is very old, but I never saw prettier blossoms on it that it now bears. That tree grows new wood each year. Like that apple tree, I try to grow a little new wood each year ."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be A Better Person
A Young student approached the famous French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, and declared, " If I had your brains, I would be a better person."
Pondering the depth of that statement, Pascal paused momentarily before replying, " Be a better person, and you will have my brains."
Feb 23, 2007
Hilarious Court Cases
Check out the last one.Tooo Good.
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now Published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up That morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
____________________________________________________________________
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he Doesn't know about it until the next morning?
____________________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
___________________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
_____________________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
___________________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
___________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Somewhere
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now Published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up That morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
____________________________________________________________________
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he Doesn't know about it until the next morning?
____________________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
___________________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
_____________________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
___________________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
___________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Somewhere
INFOSYS GIRLS
Written by Infosys Guys:
1. What is the beautiful girl called in Infosys?
A. Visitor.
2. What happens when all the Infosys girls go on a trip to moon?
A. Average beauty of the earth ncreases
3. What happens when hundred new girls join ?
A. Average beauty of Infosys further decreases.
4. What happens when a Infosys girl has very malignant brain tumor?
A. She will get her knee operated.
5. What happens when two Infosys girls meet generally at fashion show?
A. They will discuss the cause of the two smaller bugs in software.
6. What happens when a Infosys girl contests a fashion show?
A. She will get best possible points in the field of morale boosting.
7. What happens if you present a book named How to fall in love to a Infosys girl?
A. She will use it as a mouse pad.
8. When there is a competition in beauty and two Infosys girl! Participate,its called a competition.
A. If a Infosys girl and other outside girl competes, its called overconfidence.
9. What happens when two Infosys girls compete for same guy?
A. He will commit suicide.
10. Where will an infosys gal go on a date ???
A. To the library..
Quote:
~~~~~
Generally 99% of the girls in the world are beautiful, rest are in Infosys
1. What is the beautiful girl called in Infosys?
A. Visitor.
2. What happens when all the Infosys girls go on a trip to moon?
A. Average beauty of the earth ncreases
3. What happens when hundred new girls join ?
A. Average beauty of Infosys further decreases.
4. What happens when a Infosys girl has very malignant brain tumor?
A. She will get her knee operated.
5. What happens when two Infosys girls meet generally at fashion show?
A. They will discuss the cause of the two smaller bugs in software.
6. What happens when a Infosys girl contests a fashion show?
A. She will get best possible points in the field of morale boosting.
7. What happens if you present a book named How to fall in love to a Infosys girl?
A. She will use it as a mouse pad.
8. When there is a competition in beauty and two Infosys girl! Participate,its called a competition.
A. If a Infosys girl and other outside girl competes, its called overconfidence.
9. What happens when two Infosys girls compete for same guy?
A. He will commit suicide.
10. Where will an infosys gal go on a date ???
A. To the library..
Quote:
~~~~~
Generally 99% of the girls in the world are beautiful, rest are in Infosys
Feb 22, 2007
SMS COLLECTIONS >>>>>>>>>
SHAYARI SMS
************************************************
Kashti behti hai kinare ki talaash mei,
Log milte hai pyar ki aas mei,
Hum roz milte nahi aapse magar.....
Waqt bitate hai aapki yaad mein!! :)
************************************************
Waqt jab dosti ki dastaan sunayega,
Hamei bhi koi chehra yaad aayega,
Bhool jayenge zindagi ke gamo ko,
Jab tumhare saath guzara hua har lamha yaad aayega!
************************************************
Zindagi ki raaho mei bahut se yaar milenge,
Hum kya humse bhi acche hazar milenge,
En accho ki bheed mei hamei na bhula dena....
Hum na shayad baar-baar milenge!
************************************************
Always have a Positive attitude in life:
There is something Positive in every person & every situation.....
Even a dead clock is right twice a day!
************************************************
Jo hadse na guzar jaye wo pyar hi kya,
Jo pyar karne pe majboor na karde wo ikraar hi kya,
Intezar to sab karte hai.....
Saanse tootne tak jo saath na de wo yaar hi kya!
************************************************
Kajal banke teri aankho mein samane ki tamanna hai,
Dawa banke tere dard mitane ki tamanna hai,
Yun to haasil hai zamane ki har cheez mujhe,
Sirf ek baar tujhe dulhan ke roop mein paane ki tamanna hai
************************************************
The Golden words are "Don't cry in Love"
because for whom u r crying does not deserve your tears
and the person who deserves it will never let u cry!!
************************************************
PYAAR JAB EK TARAF SE HO TOH SAZA DETA HAIN,
PYAAR JAB DONO TARAF SE HO TOH MAZAA DETA HAIN,
AAJ KAL KI IS DUNIYA MEIN KAUN KISKA HOTA HAIN,
DAGA WAHI DETE HAIN JINPAR KI BHAROSA HOTA HAIN,
************************************************
OR KOI GAM NAHI EK TERI JUDAI KE SIVA,
MERE HISSE ME KYA AAYA TANHAI KE SIVA!
YU TO MILAN KI RAATE MILI BESUMAAR,
PYAR ME SAB KUCHH MILA SEHNAI KE SIVA!!
************************************************
Ankhen to pyar me dilki zuban hoti hai,
sachi chahat to sada bezuban hoti hai.
pyar mai dard bhi mile to kya gabrana,
suna hai dard se chahat aur jawan hoti hai....
************************************************
Yun toh bahut tha baatane ko,
zamaane se chup ke chaha tha apne chahne wale ko,
kya khabar thi yun tanha chod deega woh,
acha hua ki mere dukh ki khabar bhi na mil paaye zamaane ko. .......
************************************************
Khali shishe bhi nishaan rakhte hain...
Tute hue dil bhi armaan rakhte hai...
Joh khaamoshi se guzar jaye,
woh dariya bhi dil me toofan rakhte hain
************************************************
FRIENDSHIP SMS
Kaash khushiyon ki koi dukaan hoti,
hame bhi uski koi pahchaan hoti,
bhar dete aapke har pal ko khushiyo se,
keemat uski chahe meri jaan hoti..
************************************************
KOI hai jo dua karta hai, Apno me mujhe bhi gina karta he, bahut khushnasib samjhte he khud ko hum, door rah ke bhi koai yaad kia karta hai. Woh Hai Hum!!
************************************************
Kafi hai husn dil ko behlane ke liye, Mohabbat karlo dil ko dukhane ke liye. Chahe pade gam se vasta, Ek dost rakna sab gamoko bhulane ke liye....
************************************************
Khuda ne mujse kaha-bande dosti na kar dosti mein tu deewana ho jayega. Maine kaha-ae khuda kabhi zamin pe aake MERE YAAR se mil, TU khud hi uska dost ho jayega
************************************************
Hum dosti me had e guzar jayenge,Yeh zindgi apke naam kar jayenge,Aap roya karenge hume yaad karke,Apke daaman me itna pyar chhod jayenge..
************************************************
TUJHE Apna Mukkdr Batate Hai Hum, Khuda K Baad Tere Aage Sir Jhukate Hai Hum. dosti Ka Rishta Tod Mat Dena, is Rishte K DumPar muskurate hai hum
************************************************
Three Things In Life:
Three things in life that,
once gone, never come back:
Time, Words & Opportunity
Three things in life that
may never be lost:
Peace, Hope & Honesty.
Three things in life that
are most valuable:
Love, Self-confidence & Friends
Three things in life that
are never certain:
Dreams, Success & Fortune
Three things that make a man:
Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment
Three things in life that
can destroy a man:
Wine, Pride & Anger
************************************************
I ask the Lord to bless you,
As I pray for you today;
To guide you and protect you,
As you go along your way.
His love is always with you,
His promises are true.
And when you give Him all your cares,
You know He'll see you through.
************************************************
************************************************
Kashti behti hai kinare ki talaash mei,
Log milte hai pyar ki aas mei,
Hum roz milte nahi aapse magar.....
Waqt bitate hai aapki yaad mein!! :)
************************************************
Waqt jab dosti ki dastaan sunayega,
Hamei bhi koi chehra yaad aayega,
Bhool jayenge zindagi ke gamo ko,
Jab tumhare saath guzara hua har lamha yaad aayega!
************************************************
Zindagi ki raaho mei bahut se yaar milenge,
Hum kya humse bhi acche hazar milenge,
En accho ki bheed mei hamei na bhula dena....
Hum na shayad baar-baar milenge!
************************************************
Always have a Positive attitude in life:
There is something Positive in every person & every situation.....
Even a dead clock is right twice a day!
************************************************
Jo hadse na guzar jaye wo pyar hi kya,
Jo pyar karne pe majboor na karde wo ikraar hi kya,
Intezar to sab karte hai.....
Saanse tootne tak jo saath na de wo yaar hi kya!
************************************************
Kajal banke teri aankho mein samane ki tamanna hai,
Dawa banke tere dard mitane ki tamanna hai,
Yun to haasil hai zamane ki har cheez mujhe,
Sirf ek baar tujhe dulhan ke roop mein paane ki tamanna hai
************************************************
The Golden words are "Don't cry in Love"
because for whom u r crying does not deserve your tears
and the person who deserves it will never let u cry!!
************************************************
PYAAR JAB EK TARAF SE HO TOH SAZA DETA HAIN,
PYAAR JAB DONO TARAF SE HO TOH MAZAA DETA HAIN,
AAJ KAL KI IS DUNIYA MEIN KAUN KISKA HOTA HAIN,
DAGA WAHI DETE HAIN JINPAR KI BHAROSA HOTA HAIN,
************************************************
OR KOI GAM NAHI EK TERI JUDAI KE SIVA,
MERE HISSE ME KYA AAYA TANHAI KE SIVA!
YU TO MILAN KI RAATE MILI BESUMAAR,
PYAR ME SAB KUCHH MILA SEHNAI KE SIVA!!
************************************************
Ankhen to pyar me dilki zuban hoti hai,
sachi chahat to sada bezuban hoti hai.
pyar mai dard bhi mile to kya gabrana,
suna hai dard se chahat aur jawan hoti hai....
************************************************
Yun toh bahut tha baatane ko,
zamaane se chup ke chaha tha apne chahne wale ko,
kya khabar thi yun tanha chod deega woh,
acha hua ki mere dukh ki khabar bhi na mil paaye zamaane ko. .......
************************************************
Khali shishe bhi nishaan rakhte hain...
Tute hue dil bhi armaan rakhte hai...
Joh khaamoshi se guzar jaye,
woh dariya bhi dil me toofan rakhte hain
************************************************
FRIENDSHIP SMS
Kaash khushiyon ki koi dukaan hoti,
hame bhi uski koi pahchaan hoti,
bhar dete aapke har pal ko khushiyo se,
keemat uski chahe meri jaan hoti..
************************************************
KOI hai jo dua karta hai, Apno me mujhe bhi gina karta he, bahut khushnasib samjhte he khud ko hum, door rah ke bhi koai yaad kia karta hai. Woh Hai Hum!!
************************************************
Kafi hai husn dil ko behlane ke liye, Mohabbat karlo dil ko dukhane ke liye. Chahe pade gam se vasta, Ek dost rakna sab gamoko bhulane ke liye....
************************************************
Khuda ne mujse kaha-bande dosti na kar dosti mein tu deewana ho jayega. Maine kaha-ae khuda kabhi zamin pe aake MERE YAAR se mil, TU khud hi uska dost ho jayega
************************************************
Hum dosti me had e guzar jayenge,Yeh zindgi apke naam kar jayenge,Aap roya karenge hume yaad karke,Apke daaman me itna pyar chhod jayenge..
************************************************
TUJHE Apna Mukkdr Batate Hai Hum, Khuda K Baad Tere Aage Sir Jhukate Hai Hum. dosti Ka Rishta Tod Mat Dena, is Rishte K DumPar muskurate hai hum
************************************************
Three Things In Life:
Three things in life that,
once gone, never come back:
Time, Words & Opportunity
Three things in life that
may never be lost:
Peace, Hope & Honesty.
Three things in life that
are most valuable:
Love, Self-confidence & Friends
Three things in life that
are never certain:
Dreams, Success & Fortune
Three things that make a man:
Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment
Three things in life that
can destroy a man:
Wine, Pride & Anger
************************************************
I ask the Lord to bless you,
As I pray for you today;
To guide you and protect you,
As you go along your way.
His love is always with you,
His promises are true.
And when you give Him all your cares,
You know He'll see you through.
************************************************
Pizza Delivery Man
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
"How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,
"I earn Rs.2000 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed Rs. 6000 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people 4 working, not 4 standing Around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, n Now just GET OUT and don't come back"
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"
"How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,
"I earn Rs.2000 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed Rs. 6000 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people 4 working, not 4 standing Around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, n Now just GET OUT and don't come back"
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"
Feb 21, 2007
3 minute lesson by Kids
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers tot were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
____________________
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca- age 8
____________________
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy - age 4
____________________
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5
____________________
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6
____________________
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri - age 4
____________________
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7
____________________
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" - Emily - age 8
____________________
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
____________________
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," - Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
____________________
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7
____________________
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6
____________________
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - Cindy - age 8
____________________
"My mommy loves me more than anybody .You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -
Clare - age 6
____________________
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine-age 5
____________________
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris - age 7
____________________
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4
____________________
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age 4
____________________
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) - Karen - age 7
____________________
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica - age 8
____________________
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
The answers tot were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
____________________
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca- age 8
____________________
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy - age 4
____________________
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5
____________________
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6
____________________
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri - age 4
____________________
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7
____________________
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" - Emily - age 8
____________________
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
____________________
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," - Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
____________________
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7
____________________
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6
____________________
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - Cindy - age 8
____________________
"My mommy loves me more than anybody .You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -
Clare - age 6
____________________
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine-age 5
____________________
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris - age 7
____________________
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4
____________________
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age 4
____________________
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) - Karen - age 7
____________________
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica - age 8
____________________
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
CHAIN SMOKER
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The Second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke.
How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over forty thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could Have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke.
How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over forty thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could Have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
Barbie Shopping
A man goes shopping for his 6-year-old daughter and decides to check out the Barbie dolls at the toy store. As he walks in, a young woman asks if he needs any help. He tells her he is shopping for a Barbie doll for his daughter.
The clerk takes him to the dolls and the man is surprised to see SOOOO MANY different Barbie's to choose from. He asks the clerk to explain the differences.
She says, "This is Summer Barbie – $19.95. This is Christmas Barbie – $19.95. This is our wedding Barbie – $19.95. This is our divorced Barbie – $245.00 and this is…"
The man interrupts the clerk and asks, Why are all the Barbie's $19.95, and the divorced one is $245.00?"
The clerk says, "Well sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture and everything else he owned, silly."
The clerk takes him to the dolls and the man is surprised to see SOOOO MANY different Barbie's to choose from. He asks the clerk to explain the differences.
She says, "This is Summer Barbie – $19.95. This is Christmas Barbie – $19.95. This is our wedding Barbie – $19.95. This is our divorced Barbie – $245.00 and this is…"
The man interrupts the clerk and asks, Why are all the Barbie's $19.95, and the divorced one is $245.00?"
The clerk says, "Well sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture and everything else he owned, silly."
OFFICE JOKES >>>>>>>>
Good Excuse
--------------
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “Yes I know no woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
M&Ms
-------
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn’t resist and went to the old man’s jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded “That’s ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.”
Interview
-----------
Manager, interviewing a job applicant: “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”
Job Applicant: “Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!”
Expensive Monkeys
----------------------
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey! Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive — $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
Scratching his head, the shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other two monkeys call him BOSS.”
--------------
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “Yes I know no woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
M&Ms
-------
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn’t resist and went to the old man’s jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded “That’s ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.”
Interview
-----------
Manager, interviewing a job applicant: “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”
Job Applicant: “Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!”
Expensive Monkeys
----------------------
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey! Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive — $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
Scratching his head, the shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other two monkeys call him BOSS.”
Feb 20, 2007
Medical Certificate
Tired from hardworking or Want to make leave letter : Try this Medical Certificate :)
Doctor Certified
Certified that Mr. /Miss _________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness. Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc. Which can directly lead to heart strokes.
In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Sd/-
Dr. Impatient
Cyber Clinic
Doctor Certified
Certified that Mr. /Miss _________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness. Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc. Which can directly lead to heart strokes.
In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Sd/-
Dr. Impatient
Cyber Clinic
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to Upload, we discovered that neither One of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete Button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message Saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized Program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted In her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared And said: You've Got Male'!"
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to Upload, we discovered that neither One of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete Button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message Saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized Program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted In her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared And said: You've Got Male'!"
Feb 19, 2007
MIX SMS COLLECTIONS >>>>>>>>>
MIX SMS
************************************************
If i get ur smile,i dont need flowers,if i hear ur voice i dont need music,if u speak to me i dont need anybody,if u r my friend i dont need the word "miss u "
************************************************
One sstone is enough 2 break a glass,1 sentence is enough 2 breaka heart,1 second is enough 2 fall in love & one friend is enough to spend a life
*********************************************** Good friend hard to find harder to leave impossible to forget
************************************************
Medicines & Friendships both cure problems. Only diff is dat friendshp donet have an expiry date, no price no dosage.
************************************************
Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office!
************************************************
When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm....
************************************************
In your darkest hour wen ur fed up and blue just remember this i'll always be there 4 you im no angel and can't change fate but i'll do anything coz your my mate!
************************ **********************
2live a life u need a hartbeat,2 have a hartbeat u need a hart,2 have a hart u need happiness,2 have happiness u need a frend-4 a frend u have me!!
************************************************
Friendship lives inside a room.It has a door. And the door has a lock. Its key is trust. If you lose the trust,frinedship can never be found.
************************************************
I can be miles away from u..but my friendship with u won't be taken away by anything!!
************************************************
D word 'HELLO' means, H-How are u? E-Everything alright? L-Like 2 hear from u. L-Love 2 c u soon. O-Obviously,I miss you!!... So HELLO
************************************************
The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy.
************************************************
FALL - U can fall from the sky U can fall from a tree But the best way to fall is in love with me.
*********************** *************************
True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.
************************************************
A sweeter smile. A brighter day. Hope everything turns out great for you today. Good morning and enjoy your day.
************************************************
If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
************************************************
Heats could love 4 a while, feet could walk 4 a mile, clothes won�t 4ever be in style, but having u as my friend is 4EVER worthwhile.
************************************************
Friendship is a golden chain that bunches two hearts together, if u never break that chain we shall be friends forever.
************************************************
Though there was a great ship named "TAITANIC" but the great ship in this world is"FRIENDSHIP".do you belive it?
************************************************
Some friends deserve 2be thrown,Some friends r good 2 keep,some r 2b treasured 4ever,and i think u r ONE 2b thrown.............In the treasure box2b keept 4ever.
************************************************
R we friends or r we not.u told me once but i 4got.of all d m8s ive eva met ur d 1 i wont 4get.& if i die b4 u do i will go 2 heaven & wait 4 u!
************************************************
A Friendship is Sweet when its NEW Its Sweeter when its TRUE But Its Sweetest when the friend is like U.
************************************************
Making a million friends is not a miracle, the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by u in a million ways...!!
************************************************
Friendship is a thing that last as long as it is nourished wid understanding, kindness and love.
************************************************
If I could pull down the rainbow I would write UR name with it & put it back in the sky 2 let everybody know how colourful my life is with a friend like U!!
************************************************
Specia frens R really hard 2 find... specially those who r cute n pure in heart!! So my advise 4 u us Never let ME go!!!
************************************************
1 person is 1. But if a friend joins him,they becomes 11.
************************************************
Friendship sometimes stops in the middle to ask what it has gained and what it has lost,then it realises that it has gained life's joys and lost life's sorrows
************************************************
A frnd is never a co incidence in ur life, they r meant to enter ur life to bring u joy n laughter, so ill treasure the frnd ship between us.
************************************************
************************************************
If i get ur smile,i dont need flowers,if i hear ur voice i dont need music,if u speak to me i dont need anybody,if u r my friend i dont need the word "miss u "
************************************************
One sstone is enough 2 break a glass,1 sentence is enough 2 breaka heart,1 second is enough 2 fall in love & one friend is enough to spend a life
*********************************************** Good friend hard to find harder to leave impossible to forget
************************************************
Medicines & Friendships both cure problems. Only diff is dat friendshp donet have an expiry date, no price no dosage.
************************************************
Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office!
************************************************
When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm....
************************************************
In your darkest hour wen ur fed up and blue just remember this i'll always be there 4 you im no angel and can't change fate but i'll do anything coz your my mate!
************************ **********************
2live a life u need a hartbeat,2 have a hartbeat u need a hart,2 have a hart u need happiness,2 have happiness u need a frend-4 a frend u have me!!
************************************************
Friendship lives inside a room.It has a door. And the door has a lock. Its key is trust. If you lose the trust,frinedship can never be found.
************************************************
I can be miles away from u..but my friendship with u won't be taken away by anything!!
************************************************
D word 'HELLO' means, H-How are u? E-Everything alright? L-Like 2 hear from u. L-Love 2 c u soon. O-Obviously,I miss you!!... So HELLO
************************************************
The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy.
************************************************
FALL - U can fall from the sky U can fall from a tree But the best way to fall is in love with me.
*********************** *************************
True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.
************************************************
A sweeter smile. A brighter day. Hope everything turns out great for you today. Good morning and enjoy your day.
************************************************
If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
************************************************
Heats could love 4 a while, feet could walk 4 a mile, clothes won�t 4ever be in style, but having u as my friend is 4EVER worthwhile.
************************************************
Friendship is a golden chain that bunches two hearts together, if u never break that chain we shall be friends forever.
************************************************
Though there was a great ship named "TAITANIC" but the great ship in this world is"FRIENDSHIP".do you belive it?
************************************************
Some friends deserve 2be thrown,Some friends r good 2 keep,some r 2b treasured 4ever,and i think u r ONE 2b thrown.............In the treasure box2b keept 4ever.
************************************************
R we friends or r we not.u told me once but i 4got.of all d m8s ive eva met ur d 1 i wont 4get.& if i die b4 u do i will go 2 heaven & wait 4 u!
************************************************
A Friendship is Sweet when its NEW Its Sweeter when its TRUE But Its Sweetest when the friend is like U.
************************************************
Making a million friends is not a miracle, the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by u in a million ways...!!
************************************************
Friendship is a thing that last as long as it is nourished wid understanding, kindness and love.
************************************************
If I could pull down the rainbow I would write UR name with it & put it back in the sky 2 let everybody know how colourful my life is with a friend like U!!
************************************************
Specia frens R really hard 2 find... specially those who r cute n pure in heart!! So my advise 4 u us Never let ME go!!!
************************************************
1 person is 1. But if a friend joins him,they becomes 11.
************************************************
Friendship sometimes stops in the middle to ask what it has gained and what it has lost,then it realises that it has gained life's joys and lost life's sorrows
************************************************
A frnd is never a co incidence in ur life, they r meant to enter ur life to bring u joy n laughter, so ill treasure the frnd ship between us.
************************************************
Feb 18, 2007
21 Things To Remember
1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in.... Make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never have it all together.
8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet When I get what I want I will be happy.
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in.... Make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never have it all together.
8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet When I get what I want I will be happy.
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
Increase Your Knowledge & Add What U Have
1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a Person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions.
2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.
5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.
6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.
8. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.
10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.
11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.
14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears Never stop growing.
15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.
16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.
17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14. 4 calories per hour by Breathing.
18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt Every year.
19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk Right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left Foot...
20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.
21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
22. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look=20 like its smiling.
23. The color blue can have a calming affect on people.
24. Depending upon the shade, the brain may send up to 11 tranquilizing Chemicals to calm the body
25. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with the one hand and draw with the other simultaneously. Now we know why his pictures were exquisite!!
26. Names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
27. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and parrot.
28. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
29. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child Reaches 2-6 years of age
30. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
31. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
32. All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses; some of them just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public.
33. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
34. Raw cashews are poisonous and must be roasted before.
2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.
5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.
6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.
8. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.
10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.
11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.
14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears Never stop growing.
15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.
16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.
17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14. 4 calories per hour by Breathing.
18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt Every year.
19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk Right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left Foot...
20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.
21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
22. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look=20 like its smiling.
23. The color blue can have a calming affect on people.
24. Depending upon the shade, the brain may send up to 11 tranquilizing Chemicals to calm the body
25. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with the one hand and draw with the other simultaneously. Now we know why his pictures were exquisite!!
26. Names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
27. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and parrot.
28. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
29. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child Reaches 2-6 years of age
30. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
31. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
32. All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses; some of them just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public.
33. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
34. Raw cashews are poisonous and must be roasted before.
Lessons of life
I feared being alone Until I learned to like Myself.
I feared failure Until I realized that I only Fail when I don't try.
I feared success Until I realized That I had to try In order to be happy With myself.
I feared people's opinions Until I learned that People would have opinions About me anyway.
I feared rejection Until I learned to Have faith in myself.
I feared pain Until I learned that it's necessary For growth.
I feared the truth Until I saw the Ugliness in lies.
I feared life Until I experienced Its beauty .
I feared death Until I realized that it's Not an end, but a beginning.
I feared my destiny, Until I realized that I had the power to change My life
I feared hate Until I saw that it Was nothing more than Ignorance.
I feared love Until it touched my heart, Making the darkness fade Into endless sunny days.
I feared ridicule Until I learned how To laugh at myself.
I feared growing old Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future Until I realized that Life just kept getting Better.
I feared the past Until I realized that It could no longer hurt me.
I feared the dark Until I saw the beauty Of the starlight.
I feared the light Until I learned that the Truth would give me Strength.
I feared change, Until I saw that Even the most beautiful butterfly
Had to undergo a metamorphosis Before it could fly.
I feared failure Until I realized that I only Fail when I don't try.
I feared success Until I realized That I had to try In order to be happy With myself.
I feared people's opinions Until I learned that People would have opinions About me anyway.
I feared rejection Until I learned to Have faith in myself.
I feared pain Until I learned that it's necessary For growth.
I feared the truth Until I saw the Ugliness in lies.
I feared life Until I experienced Its beauty .
I feared death Until I realized that it's Not an end, but a beginning.
I feared my destiny, Until I realized that I had the power to change My life
I feared hate Until I saw that it Was nothing more than Ignorance.
I feared love Until it touched my heart, Making the darkness fade Into endless sunny days.
I feared ridicule Until I learned how To laugh at myself.
I feared growing old Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future Until I realized that Life just kept getting Better.
I feared the past Until I realized that It could no longer hurt me.
I feared the dark Until I saw the beauty Of the starlight.
I feared the light Until I learned that the Truth would give me Strength.
I feared change, Until I saw that Even the most beautiful butterfly
Had to undergo a metamorphosis Before it could fly.
Feb 17, 2007
Sense of Humor
Interviewer said, " I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"
The candidate thought for a while and said, " My choice is one really difficult question."
" Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.
Here is your question: " What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, " It's DAY sir!"
" How?" the interviewer asked.
" Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Moral : Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the mastery of simplicity
The candidate thought for a while and said, " My choice is one really difficult question."
" Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.
Here is your question: " What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, " It's DAY sir!"
" How?" the interviewer asked.
" Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Moral : Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the mastery of simplicity
Prison or Office
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
Feb 8, 2007
Arrested for laughing! This is from an actual trial in the UK
A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... ......... .....She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,
which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed... ......!!!
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,
which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed... ......!!!
Top 10 Heights
1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip
2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
3. What is height of Activelaziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
5. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
7. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
8. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
9. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.
A. Dhoti with a zip
2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
3. What is height of Activelaziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
5. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
7. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
8. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
9. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.
Good one
NEW YORK :
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x ' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle '."
When asked to comment on the arrest, Hillary Clinton said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x ' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle '."
When asked to comment on the arrest, Hillary Clinton said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Foreign Goodies
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of their daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it. When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
"Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes
for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings
and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love,
Smita."
P.S.: If you need anything else please let me know soon, Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it. When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
"Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes
for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings
and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love,
Smita."
P.S.: If you need anything else please let me know soon, Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.
Tips to recover scratched Cds
Don't you feel like crying every time you add another disc to your pile of scratched discs. Trashing that disc which contained your favorite songs, pics, files, games or videos is not easy.
Read-on, if you find yourself wishing for a miracle every time your fav CD is scratched:
Home Remedy : here's an easy home remedy, which might give you the desired results. Rub a small amount of toothpaste on the scratch and polish the CD with a soft cloth and any petroleum-based polishing solution (like clear shoe polish). Squirt a drop of Brasso and wipe it with a clean cloth.
Technology to the rescue
There are many softwares available on the net, which enable the recovery of the CD data. BadCopy Pro is one such software, which can be used to recover destroyed data and files from a range of media.
Just a few clicks is all it requires to recover the disc from almost all kind of damage situation; be it corrupted, lost data, unreadable or defective.
DiskDoctors is another popular company, which offers both software and solutions to recover data from a scratched CDs and DVDs.
General Tips:
Read-on, if you find yourself wishing for a miracle every time your fav CD is scratched:
Home Remedy : here's an easy home remedy, which might give you the desired results. Rub a small amount of toothpaste on the scratch and polish the CD with a soft cloth and any petroleum-based polishing solution (like clear shoe polish). Squirt a drop of Brasso and wipe it with a clean cloth.
Technology to the rescue
There are many softwares available on the net, which enable the recovery of the CD data. BadCopy Pro is one such software, which can be used to recover destroyed data and files from a range of media.
Just a few clicks is all it requires to recover the disc from almost all kind of damage situation; be it corrupted, lost data, unreadable or defective.
DiskDoctors is another popular company, which offers both software and solutions to recover data from a scratched CDs and DVDs.
General Tips:
- Always wipe the CD from the center outward with stratight spoke-like strokes. Wiping CDs in circles will create more scratches.
- Do not scratch the graphics layer as you cannot repair the disc. HINT: Hold the disc up to a light with the graphics layer facing the light source. If you can see light thru the scratches at any point then the disc may be irreparable and or exhibit loading or playing errors.
- Clean your Disc players lens regularly with a suitable product to ensure optimal viewing pleasure.
- Make sure to use a soft, lint-free cloth to clean both sides of the disc. Wipe in a straight line from the centre of the disc to the outer edge.
- If wiping with a cloth does not remove a fingerprint or smudge, use a specialized DVD disc polishing spray to clean the disc.
- Only handle the disc by its outer edge and the empty hole in the middle.This will help prevent fingerprints, smudges or scratches
Feb 7, 2007
WHERE TO TAP
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ......................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ............................$ 9998.00
"Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference."
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ......................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ............................$ 9998.00
"Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference."
Irish Luck and compassion
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
A DEFINITE READ!!... TOO DAMN FUNNY!! :)
A local newspaper (in England ) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
cheers 2007....
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Slip of the toungue...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND! : "oh shit"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND! : "oh shit"
Feb 6, 2007
Human Race is doomed through stupidity
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)