A joke for the dopers..........

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers..... .....
.
.

"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!"

God Was Your Closest Friend

God Was Your Closest Friend

by Randall Beers

I knew you were hurting although you wouldn’t cry,

And could see you were suffering, see the pain in your eye

I wanted to comfort you, to hold you, be with you that day,

You looked so helpless and frail while in bed you did lay.

I watched as you shivered from a new pain,

And wondered how I might have handled the same.

I wanted to scream, to shout, and to yell,

You said you were fine although your skin was so pale.

I knew in my heart your time was near end,

And wished I could take you, your body to mend.

I knew that soon God would be your closest friend,

You told me many times that’s how it would end.

I stood there watching as each breath came slow,

And fought to find courage, my emotions were low.

I promised you when the time came that I’d not cry,

You never saw my eyes wet, always they were dry.

I held your hand as I silently said goodbye,

And knew in my heart that soon you would die.

I stroked your forehead and said how I loved you,

You nodded and smiled and I knew that you knew.

I no longer care, my tears I can’t hide,

And as I stood there waiting for death by your side.

I knew then that God was your closest friend,

You had told me many times that’s how it would end.

This Guy Needs Help

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. 

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan? 

Mom Is God Black Or White!

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, “Mommy, is God Black or White?”

She replies, “Well, Honey, God is both Black and White.

Then he says, “Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?”

“God is both a boy and a girl, Honey,” she replies.

“Mommy, is God gay or straight?” he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, “Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, “Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?”

What'd You Think?

Do you believe in ghost's

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believein ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.

“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.

“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”

What'd You Think?

Things to say if caught sleeping at your desk-funny article

Face it, we all feel sleepy the moment we enter the office premises. But what if your boss caught you sleeping at your desk? Here is what you can tell him: 

• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

• "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me." 

• "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!" 

• "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 

• "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 

• "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress." 

• "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 

• "The coffee machine is broken..." 

• "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." 

• " ... in Jesus' name. Amen

School Gifts

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. 

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." " 

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" 

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said. 

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. 

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." 

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. 

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. 

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. 

"Is it wine?" she asked. 

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. 

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. 

"Is it champagne?" she asked. 

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. 

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" 

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" 

Dostana - Fun Story

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and
then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all
the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were
talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!!!:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: