Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough s**t.

The Absolute Worst Things To Say To A Police Officer

* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
* Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
* Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
* Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
* Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
* Bad cop! No donut!
* You're not gonna check the boot, are you?
* Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
* You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
* I pay your salary!
* So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
* Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
* What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
* Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
* Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
* No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
* I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
* If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
* No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
* No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
* Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
* Want to race to the station, Sparky?
* I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
* On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
* You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Pussy!
* Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
* Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
* How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
* Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
* What do you use those rubber gloves for?

Laws Of Life

1. Murphy's First Law for Wives
If you ask your husband to pick up five items from the shops and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
2. Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noted.
3. The Salary Axiom
The pay rise is just enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
4. Miller's Law of Insurance
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
5. First Law of Living
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
6. Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers only cross-references.
7. Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
8. The Carrier Bag Law
The chocolate bar you planned to eat on the way home from the supermarket is hidden at the bottom of the carrier bag.
9. Lampner's Law of Employment
When leaving work late, you will go unnnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet the boss in the car park.